


Without U

by DayumDekuu



Category: My Hero Academia, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia References, Character Death, Dead Midoriya Izuku, Depressed Bakugou Katsuki, Depressed Todoroki Shouto, Everyone Loves Izuku, Grief, Grieving Bakugou Katsuki, Izuku is dead, Izuku midoriya - Freeform, M/M, M/M/M, Midoriya Izuku Loves Bakugou Katsuki, My Hero Academia - Freeform, Polyamory, Pro Hero Bakugou Katsuki, Pro Hero Todoroki Shouto, Sad, Todoroki Shouto is Bad at Feelings, Todoroki loves Izuku, im so sorry, this hurt me to write lol, todoroki shouto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25366651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DayumDekuu/pseuds/DayumDekuu
Summary: “I j-just.. Fuck, half n half… what the fuck am I supposed to fucking do?” he choked on a sob as he spoke, crimson eyes trying so desperately to fend off the tears collecting. It’d been this way for months. Eight months, exactly… to the day.“I miss him..”(or: Izuku dies, Shouto and Katsuki are trying to grieve.)
Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto, Bakugou Katsuki/Todoroki Shouto, Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85





	Without U

The sound of glass shattering echoed throughout the quiet house, the silence being interrupted only by broken sobs and shaky breaths. He watched on as the man he loved shook, blood dripping down from his fingers from where he’d squeezed the glass bottle too tightly. The glass reflected from the kitchen light, small rainbows dancing across the booze soaked floor. It was too much. 

He took a few cautious steps forward, hands silently reaching towards the broken man in front of him. Tight shoulders and heaving chest all the focus as he crossed the kitchen, careful of the wet and glass covered floor. His pale hands stopped only inches away from the other, retracting gently to cradle them to his own chest. He squeezed his own hand in reassurance, trying to calm his shaky fingers. His eyes never left him though, careful and calculating, like you’d watch a snake ready for strike. You never knew when it would attack, when it would lunge towards you, ready to deposit it’s venom into your veins. 

“Kats, please…” his voice broke through the air, voice tight and small as he spoke to the older of the two. He wanted nothing more than to bring the blonde into his arms, hold him tightly and tell him everything would be okay.  _ It’s all okay, katsuki.  _

But the blonde turned quickly, closing the distance between them and grasped a dainty wrist in his much larger hand. Shouto couldn’t help but notice how it was still so warm..  _ Katsuki was always so warm.  _

He was pulled away from his thoughts when his body made contact with the wall, head bouncing slightly against the chipped paint, rattling the rusted clock hanging above where they stood. White dots danced across his eyes, vision cloudy, and mind temporarily blanking. He could only hear the steady sound of the clock above.  _ Tick tock, tick tock, tick….  _

Or was that his own beating heart? He never really could tell these days. 

He was brought back to reality by the feeling of warm breath hitting his face, katsuki only mere centimetres away now. He was close enough that Shouto could see the tiny freckles under his eyes and across his nose. They were so soft and sweet… so unlike Katsuki Bakugo, that it almost made Shouto smile… almost. 

“I j-just.. Fuck, half n half… what the fuck am I supposed to fucking do?” he choked on a sob as he spoke, crimson eyes trying so desperately to fend off the tears collecting. It’d been this way for months. Eight months, exactly… to the day. 

“I miss him..” 

The blonde collapsed against the smaller, shouto gasping at the sudden weight against him, and struggled to keep the two of them up right. He held tightly to katsuki as he broke down and cried. Tears and snot were mixing on his shirt, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He missed Izuku more than anything, but he was able to hold himself together way better than Katsuki had been. He’d gotten the suggested counseling, he talked about how he felt with their friends, and he visited deku’s memorial weekly. Katsuki… not so much. He flinched at the mere mention of the name  _ Izuku Midoriya  _ and he refused to acknowledge how much he was hurting. Typical behavior for the mighty, emotionally constipated Bakugo Katsuki. 

It was hard not to love Izuku. He had this essence about him that drew people in, made them want to be better. He saw every ounce of good potential in every person he encountered. Being around him was like coming up from air after being submerged under water for an extended amount of time. Shouto could recall how he’d frequently close his eyes in Midoryia’s presence and just breathe in every drop of joy and kindness that radiated from his friend.  _ Friend, huh?  _

_ Friend _ didn’t feel like enough for what they had… Shouto was sure that Katsuki was feeling exactly the same way right now. It was hard, not knowing what ever would have become of the three of them. In the back of his mind, shouto knew that for Katsuki it would always be Izuku.. He knew that Izuku was what held the two of them together, only tolerating and learning to respect each other due to the angelic acts and presence of their green haired love interest. Without him, things were cold and incomplete. He still felt that buzz of longing for Katuski, but it was numbed… no longer did the feeling in his chest burst and fester, mocking the blondes explosiveness, when the locked eyes. Crimson red meeting grey and teal didn’t make him feel like he could conquer the world anymore. It made him feel hollow. 

Because he knew that there would always be a bigger piece of them missing, a piece that made them become who they were. A piece that saved them from their own devices, their own crippling anxieties and self-destructive personalities. Izuku Midoryia was more than a piece, though. He was the entire puzzle. 

Shouto was ripped from his thoughts at the sound of the sniveling blonde in his hold, mouth agape as if he was trying so desperately to speak.. To just  _ say what he was thinking, what he was feeling.  _

A cold hand wrapped around the back of katsuki’s neck, the chill forcing a small shiver from his body. It calmed him enough to be able to gain his wits back, and it helped level his heaving chest. The hand guided his head to rest against a strong, but dainty shoulder. He inhaled, the scent of ash and frost mingled with a familiar scent of mint shampoo,  _ izuku’s shampoo,  _ washed over his senses. He closed his eyes, melting in the familiarity of the smell, comforted by the idea of having all of them together again. With his new found sense of comfort, Katsuki found himself able to speak once again, voice shaky but words so sure. 

“Last night, I dreamed of him.. J-just like I do every fucking night. B-but his eyes, they were so bright a-and crystal green and so f-fucking… _ beautiful.  _ He was so beautiful, Sho.. and he was so loved, he still fucking is. He always will be, but God Fucking Dammit. We never told him. I never told him how much he fucking meant to me… to Us.” He choked on a sob, hands tightening to grip shouto’s loose shirt in his fists. His blurry eyes focused on the twisted fabric, trying to control his breathing the way izuku had taught him years ago, as children.  _ Inhale for 4, hold for 5, exhale for 6.  _

_ “Slow and steady, Kachaan.. It’ll be okay.” he placed Katsuki’s sharp, warm hand on his bony chest. Katsuki always was so much larger than him while growing up, Deku a shrimp compared to him and the other boys in their class. His hand seemed like it could crush deku’s chest easily. He looked up, green eyes watery with worry but a bright smile forcing freckled cheeks to dimple, and held tight to the hand resting against his steady chest. Katsuki copied the movements, listening closely as Deku counted out his breaths. Calm, serene, peaceful… all things that shitty Deku always brought with him.  _

The memory made his chest ache, his hand itching for the familiar feel of scarred skin underneath his fingertips. He missed him. He closed his eyes, trying to drown out the constant ringing and repeated mantra of  _ Deku, Deku, Deku, Deku..  _

Before either knew it, they were sinking to the floor, tangled up tightly within each other's embrace. Both hung desperately to the other, shaking with sobs as greedy hands touched every piece of bare skin their wandering hands came across. Their teeth clanked harshly as Katsuki pushed their heads together for an aggressive kiss, tongues exploring and roaming every inch of mouth and gums. Biting lips and tasting salty tears as they rolled from their eyes, landing against their conjoined lips. It wasn’t a normal battle for dominance like what was normally exchanged, no this was different. They were giving everything they had into this single kiss, biting and pulling, pushing and grabbing as much as they could. Forcing every ounce of pain, love, and despair into each other's mouths. They could understand each other. After all, they were in the same boat. Both lost the love of their life, both knew what it was like to lose Izuku.. To lose the best piece of themselves. 

It was shouto who pulled away first, resting his forehead against katsuki’s. They were breathing heavily, from the intense kiss they had just shared as well as the sobs that still wracked through their bodies. Katsuki opened his clenched eyes, staring deeply into mismatched iris’s, lip wobbling as he took in the man before him. He whimpered, all words lost in translation. He knew he was never good with words, he didn’t know how to explain what he needed, what he was feeling. That’s why Deku was so amazing, he could understand what Katsuki was trying to say, what he needed. He knew when to push, and when to give him some space. Katsuki had never believed in soulmates, or any of that stupid lovey dovey bullshit. Love was trivial, something that only existed in shitty movies, or dumbass romance novels.  _ Well, so he thought.  _

  
  


He hoped that Shouto could understand what he was trying to say, through his shaking hands against his chest, through his stare and through the kiss they had shared.  _ I’m sorry, I’ll try to be better, I know you miss him too.. I really miss him.  _

All things he wanted desperately to say, but he just… couldn’t.

Shouto nodded against the explosive blonde’s warm forehead. He understood. He could feel what katsuki wanted to say. He’d never been able to understand katsuki before… The man was loud, brash, and aggressive in everything he did. The only sense of gentleness or softness came when he was touching Izuku, or when he thought no one else could hear them whispering to each other. Long ago, Shouto had found himself jealous of the bond they shared. He resented the fact that Katsuki had always had Midoriya in his life, always had the angel of a boy following after him and worshipping his every move. He used to wonder how different he would be if he would have had Izuku in the way that Katsuki did. He learned to throw those thoughts away, because what he had with Izuku was special and unique within itself. No one knew him the way Izuku did, no one could ever love and care like Izuku did. 

“I know, Blasty… I know.” Shouto whispered. He bit his own quivering lip as a broken sob left Katsuki’s kiss bitten lips. He stood, pulling Katsuki up with him. He interlaced their fingers, cold meeting warm, and led him down the hall to the room that hadn’t been inhabited in months. The door stood closed, untouched by neither him nor katsuki since the last day they had all been together, piled together inside in a heap of laughter and gentle touches. Shouto took a deep breath, eyes flickering behind him to katsuki. He needed some kind of reassurance. The blonde nodded, eyes never leaving the closed door in front of them. With a shaky hand, he reached forward and turned the knob, opening the door to an inhabited room, once filled with the human embodiment of life and love. They moved slowly, as if moving too suddenly would disturb the natural flow of things. The room was exactly the way Izuku had left it. Blankets a tangled mess on the bed, pillows thrown lazily to rest at the head of the mess. An open journal lay open on the desk, sketches and scribbled analysis littering the pages. The room smelled faintly of stale vanilla, Katsuki’s eyes immediately flickering to the scented candle resting on the bedside table. Shouto sucked in a shaky breath, leading Katsuki over to the bed. He ran a gentle hand over the Izuku shaped dent in the mattress, slow tears trickling from his multicolored eyes. 

Reluctantly, he moved to lay down on the bed. Closing his eyes as his head hit the pillow, he waited patiently for Katsuki to join him. He knew it would take a moment for the other to absorb all of the things they had been denying themselves for months now. After a few minutes, Shouto felt the bed dip next to him, signalling that Katsuki had finally joined him. Silently, they laid next to each other. Tangled in sheets, much like they had been in this very spot many times before, only now there was an absence of the bigger part of them. The gentler, kinder, more open piece of their worlds that made them cohesive and liveable. The silence was deafening, no longer filled with little giggles or mumbling. There was no teasing about who gets to be the little spoon that night, no bickering about who gets to kiss Izuku goodnight last.. There were no green curls peeking over a fluffy blanket, no emerald eyelashes fluttering against freckled cheeks, no scarred hands reaching out to pull them closer. 

Shouto startled when he felt a warm hand reach over and grab his own, fingers lacing together. They held tightly to each other's hands, keeping an open space between them. When they closed their eyes, they could almost feel Izuku lying between them. Somewhere Shouto had once read that touch had a memory. He had never understood what that meant, touch had always been so negative for him his entire life. He didn’t like close contact, any hand that had reached out to him had always been looking to inflict some kind of harm… until Izuku. But now, lying here, he could feel the ghost touches of fingertips dancing across his skin. He could feel hands threading gently through his hair, small pecks littering his cheeks and forehead. He embraced it, allowing himself to feel the essence of izuku wash over his skin and into his heart. He had tried to shut off this feeling, this mourning and disastrous feeling of abandonment. 

Next to him, Katsuki could only drown in the sheets of the man he had loved more than anything. Loving him was like the rush of the sea, steady and beautiful, but strong and terrifying. Deku himself was never scary, but the feelings he gave Katsuki were enough to send him running for the hills many times over, their childhood a direct representation of that. Truthfully, he never thought he deserved Deku or his constant forgiveness. He was gracious, loving, and so Damn forgiving. He was everything Katsuki was not. They were like oil and water, never meant to work together. But, somehow… they were almost made for each other. Katsuki liked to believe that wherever Deku was now, he was happy. Whatever Heaven or utopia he had found himself in, he would thrive there and make it his own. Katsuki had no doubts of this, but still.. He had a hard time letting go of the anger that lingered deeply in his bones. Deku left them… he left him. Death had come and collected the one most deserving of life, with no qualms about what the fuck it would do to the people so foolishly in love with Izuku midoryia. He was angry. He was angry that Deku rushed in and sacrificed himself. He was angry that he wasn’t fast enough to save him. He was angry because he didn’t know how to love anyone or anything without Deku, leaving Icy-hot in an awfully uncomfortable predicament. He was well aware of his emotional impotence. Deku had helped immensely with that, and he needed to apply everything he had learned to his life now… on his own. 

“Katsuki?” shouto’s quiet voice broke through the silence. Upon hearing a small grunt in acknowledgment, he continued. Opening his eyes, he turned his head to gaze at the beautiful being next to him. Katsuki’s tears were falling a lot slower now, rolling all the way down his cheeks to drip on to the pillow underneath his head. 

“He knew..” Shouto mumbled, eyes never wavering from where they rested on katsuki. Bakugo opened his eyes, head rolling to the side to stare back at the man lying next to him, one of the last pieces of Izuku katsuki truly had. His face pinched in confusion, not quite understanding what the other was on about. “Huh?” he questioned. His voice was soft, the softest katsuki had ever spoken to him before. 

He took a deep breath, gathering as much strength as he could muster before replying. “We didn’t have to tell him, he knew we loved him… and he loved us too, very much.” His voice wobbled, but he could see the relief flash through crimson eyes. Katsuki pulled him into his arms, the two of them clinging tightly to the other as they cried for the missing piece of their hearts. 

Katsuki would like to think that Izuku would be proud of them, smiling down from where he was. For the first time in months, neither Katsuki nor Shouto felt alone. I guess that sometimes, when you want so desperately for someone to understand, for someone to just get what you’re going through… you don’t remember to be understanding in return. It was a realization that smacked both of them in the face, it really had been this simple all along. 

“Where do we go from here?” Katsuki mumbled, his voice muffled against Todoroki's shoulder. A soothing hand ran down his spine, rubbing small circles in the small of his back. It was quiet as Shouto searched for the right words to say, knowing that the man in his arms was fragile at the moment.  _ What would Izuku say?  _

Shouto smiled as he heard Izuku’s bubbly voice ring through his mind, a single word that held so much weight and promise. 

  
  
  
  
“ **Forward** .” 

**Author's Note:**

> so, basically they were dating but they'd never made it "official" and now they have to deal with the fact that Izuku died before they could tell him how much they loved him.. :/ 
> 
> wow, that was rough.   
> please leave your comments and let me know what you think! Maybe i'll do a sequel to this. 
> 
> quote: "touch has a memory" - John Keats


End file.
